@stevevsninjas

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

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@XAIMMadellynne

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

@HoldinCoffeeld

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

@MUMSIEesq

[HOSPITAL]
DOCTOR: “A-tisket a-tasket, you’re gonna need a casket.”
WIFE: “What?”
DR: “Your husband’s knee surgery did not go well AT ALL.”

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

@juliussharpe

Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@daemonic3

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes