Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest