Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.