Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.