@Kunk7

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

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@moose_chocolate

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@Pro_Jones_

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

@karanbirtinna

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

@StayNobody

What can I get you to drink?
“Pepsi”
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?

@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.