For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: Ã©l es un niÃ±o
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niÃ±a
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.