only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon