@MaraWilson
@Bagyants
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
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@Bagyants
@iwearaonesie
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
@DustinAHarkins
One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.
@AimeeHelene1
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
@ShutUpThatsWho
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
@dyldonot
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
@ixSEANxi
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
@ravenswng_
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
@debon7
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
@DaddyJew
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you