CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

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MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird


niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit


One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.


*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*


MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?


[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza


The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.


Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period


Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you