@UncleDuke1969: [working late] ME: I'm starting to fall asleep. CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it. ME: *smacks him in the face* You're right, I feel better.

@LostFelicia: Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs] ME: there's gotta be a better way! WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

@Rollinintheseat: Alec Baldwin always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

@bossy_boots99: Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad