CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.