@UncleDuke1969: [working late]
ME: I'm starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You're right, I feel better.
@LostFelicia: Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there's gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
@Rollinintheseat: Alec Baldwin always sounds like he's trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
@bossy_boots99: Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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