One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Current poverty level: Rinsing out Ziplocs to use again
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Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.