Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
Current poverty level: Rinsing out Ziplocs to use again
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what do we want???
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.
-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.