@Mr_Kapowski

Current poverty level: Rinsing out Ziplocs to use again

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@C00LpenNAME

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

@2tonbug

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

@MarfSalvador

[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs

@imteddybless

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@SunshineJarboly

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@kellyoxford

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?