No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.