Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.


Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*


Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*


I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.


I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces


This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.


FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be


me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.