Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐