@mejustbeth

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

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@Darlainky

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

@RexHuppke

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

@KevinBuffalo

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

@bridger_w

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@sliver_of

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

@MaraWilson

FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be

@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.