I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.