Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Who.
Did.
This?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.