Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy