Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?