Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish