I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.