-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬