Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken