Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me refusing to leave twitter
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.