*curtsying before the royal duck court*


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Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’


me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.


Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.


Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?


Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?


Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.


The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.


Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.