@prufrockluvsong

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

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@Eenfidel

Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’

@climaxximus

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@Iwriteforcats

The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.

@aedison

Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

@MumsieEsq

Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@GingerHotDish

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.