*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
every single time
he looks great for his age
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.