Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I like crazy people until they notice me
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.