cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person