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@AlexvanBeek

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

@pleatedjeans

Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he’d be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun

@thedadvocate01

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@lasergirl70

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

@ShortSleeveSuit

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this