[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
any last words?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’