customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
You Might Also Like
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES