I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change