@captainkalvis

customer: can i get a microwave

me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello

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@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@girl_a_whirl

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

@leapeajo

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@mrtruthandsoul

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.