Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
customer: can i get a microwave
me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.