I like to wipe real slow now I know the real value of toilet paper
Customer: can I get some bacon
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.
RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food
ME: that’s great. love it
RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.