@spaceboyriley

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

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@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

@TheAlexNevil

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

@HelloJessicaFox

I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.

@KrangTNelson

RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@andlikelaura

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

@mrtruthandsoul

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

@anerdonfire2

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.