Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
what is cheese if not milk persevering
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+