Dance like you’re not the father
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.