Customer: Can someone else serve us?


C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!


what if all the random coins you find around your house are from insects paying you rent ??


Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?


Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do


One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.


When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler


United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.


Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.