My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
not to brag, but mine was free
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁