Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“hey is that a banana in your pock–”
*his pants open*
*a banana steps out*
*it walks towards you*
*it hugs you*
“u have freed me. thank u
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me as a thief
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus