Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony