@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

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@SuperApple8

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@dimplesticks

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

@AndLookPretty

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

@CrackYouWhip

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

@Chhapiness

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.