Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
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Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.