customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel