Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Vodka burrito was a success
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
no one likes gloating
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
couldn’t resist