Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.