Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
You Might Also Like
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.