If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy