customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Just a phase…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them