customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I don’t get marriage
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently