My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?
*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.