Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal