Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

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My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.


These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.


My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*


Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.


A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.


[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?


*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]


[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.