@david8hughes

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

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@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@david8hughes

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

@Carbosly

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@jellybnbonanza

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?