Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
*throws phone in holy water
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?