Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off