bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.