@Holy_Mowgli

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

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@ClichedOut

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@slobear

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

@Sickayduh

“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*

@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@Jay_FrickinLynn

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.