[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

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Finally relating to the moms in the group, but after a few awkward minutes, realized their “magic bullet” was a food processor.


Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!


*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*


netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex


[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.


newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!


[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.


[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
ME: My search continues