[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
reminder
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.