[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

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LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel


*enter password*




*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*


Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set


Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?


“There’s an all you can eat–”
My spinning empty office chair


“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*


*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that


He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.


“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.