[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before