I am beautiful
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping