@briancthayer
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
@Reverend_Scott
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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@briancthayer
@AmericanGent69
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
@Jesus_M_Christ
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
@MartaEffing
When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.
Now we wait.
@ericsshadow
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
@serendipitydon1
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
@ddsmidt
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
@meganamram
22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!
@SteveSuckington
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?