@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

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@parsfarce

[some dude doesn’t like me]

who gives a shit

[a cat doesn’t like me]

why

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@rickkondell

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese