[some dude doesn’t like me]
who gives a shit
[a cat doesn’t like me]
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese