@Reverend_Scott

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

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@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@AmericanGent69

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

@Jesus_M_Christ

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

@ddsmidt

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

@meganamram

22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!

@SteveSuckington

Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?