customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE



*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…


That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.


When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.


If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.


Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”


22,110! 22,109! 22,108! 22,107! 22,106! 22,105! 22,104! 22,103! 22,102! 22,101! 22,100! 22,099! 22,098! 22,097! 22,096! 22,095! 22,094!


Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?