Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Yup.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.