Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?