@ValeeGrrl
Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.
@JLazySAngus
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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@ValeeGrrl
@TheAlexNevil
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
@imadoofustoo
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
@Holy_Mowgli
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
@sharpular
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
@_definitlymaybe
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
@SteveDutzy
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
@Tmoney68
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
@sparrowmedia
The symmetry is uncanny.
