@Pork_Chop_Hair
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
@JLazySAngus
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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@Pork_Chop_Hair
@OneFunnyMummy
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
@TheCatWhisprer
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
@CoolCamel69
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
@AnnaKei26
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
@TheToddWilliams
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
@AGreaterMonster
I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.
@ItsAndyRyan
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
@dumbbeezie
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
@TheBoydP
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.