9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.