@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

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@ValeeGrrl

Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she’s all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@imadoofustoo

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@Tmoney68

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.