@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@OneFunnyMummy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

@TheCatWhisprer

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@AnnaKei26

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now

@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@ItsAndyRyan

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

@dumbbeezie

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

@TheBoydP

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.