@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

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@RuthePhoenix

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

@capricecrane

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

@Sickayduh

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@nice_mustard

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

@AlexRogaski

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@Browtweaten

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@addmoreninjas

That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?