Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.


Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”


ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra


I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.


what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog


I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to


Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday


*lifts 10 pound weight*


*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*


*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit


Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first


That’s nice that you’re a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?