Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.