Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.