Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.