CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.