Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
You Might Also Like
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The first one, obviously
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone