Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
a badder mouse
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
checking out some reviews of my local library
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song