@rofnl

customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager

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@Smooheed

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

@StoneAgeRadio13

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

@HlessHman

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@BobbleheadMagy

I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

@Thrill_Tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.