My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped