@rofnl

customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager

You Might Also Like

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@Contwixt

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

@iGreenMonk

I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.

@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

@InternetHippo

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

@sixfootcandy

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@HushJared

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.