customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager

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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.


I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.


WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.


if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.


Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t


Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.


I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me


A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again


Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.