Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.