[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
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I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?